Let’s Reflect: 2015

This time last year:

I was frantically trying to find a new phone to buy because I had just spilled coffee all over mine and it would no longer hold a charge. I desperately stressed myself out to get that new phone because I was about to venture up a mountain (alone) so I could meet up with and spend NYE with my latest crush (and what if I got lost or stuck or… something! I needed a way to communicate, just in case). On top of purchasing that brand new, recently released iPhone, the trip also cost me a new set of tire chains (legally required for the driving the road getting up the mountain) and a bruised heart (after all I had gone through to get up there safely, I barely even got an ‘at midnight kiss’ to ring in the new year).

Turns out: I lost cell reception right at the bottom of the mountain, all the way to the top and for the entire two days and nights I spent with a bunch of strangers. I didn’t end up using the non-refundable snow chains either.

Last year’s small series of events around this time did a pretty good job of properly depicting most of the year that happened before it. 

It’s safe to say 2014 had been a bit of a chaotic mess.

2015 – was much different.

sunshine pug

2015 was illuminating. 

Every now and then, I scroll through my phone’s camera roll or my personal Instagram posts from the past 365 days. If I’m really bored, I take a trip down memory lane and click through a year’s worth of Facebook posts. Those, along  with a year’s worth of memories which I’ve tucked safely within my heart, are bright and shiny and happy.

2015 was full of all sorts of spectacular and shining moments.

Like spending my birthday, running through the forest and across the suspension bridge, with a phenomenal friend who I adore so much. And chasing sunrises with some of the raddest people in this city. There was a weekend in Vegas with some of the best ladies I know (which included an out-of-this-world-sexy lap dance, all the free drinks, and a contact who I saved in my phone as “Vegas Husband Dave” *which I keep saved as a constant reason to laugh and smile about*). There was also an entire week in New York City with Mum – I can’t explain how simply lovely it was to spend some quality time in the most amazing city, with the most loved woman in my entire life.

This was the year I got to meet Keith Urban, and shake his hand, and hug him, and tell him I ‘love’ him. It was also the year I jumped out of a plane with an almost stranger – who actually turned out to be a wonderful human being and someone I’m glad to call a friend. This was the year of weddings, babies, and a whole handful of little, but significant moments, that radiate inside my heart and keep me glowing with happiness.

2015: the year I confidently took a picture in bikini and posted it on social media without any hesitation.

2015: the year I bravely stripped down to lacy lingerie for a photoshoot and had no-fear in sharing those with others.

Boudoir Blush

—> WHOA.

2015 was the year I made old friendships better, built new friendships, and solidified a tribe of people who love like I do. With this entire squad on my side, I’ve pushed forward and upwards – smiling, dancing, laughing, and exploding with happy tears on so many more occasions than I have experienced in a very long time.

What an amazing feeling. 

2015 has been a good year; a year that gave me a lot of reasons to love my life – mostly thanks to the people in it.

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I am so lucky (HASHTAG: BLESSED) to know the people that I do. There is this bunch of wildly unbelievable and truly sensational human beings that I know – and I get to call them: friends.

My mentors. My never-ending support systems. My best friends. My ride or dies. My never-will-you-leave-my-side peeps.

My family – a mother and father, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. who love so damn hard — it’s overwhelming, in the best way possible.

All of these people inspire me and encourage me to be the best. They continuously share their wisdom and offer a voice of reason. All of these people are gifted souls who enhance my life with music, words, and unreal experiences. They are fascinating humans who make my life better, because they’re honest, kind, and good-hearted people.

All of these people – their support, the way they believe in me, how they have opened so many doors to incredible opportunities and adventures and inspiring, eye-opening life moments – it’s so fcking cool.

Ninja PANDA

They are the best. And I love them for being in my life.

2015 is a year I will hold in my heart always, because it was the year I felt good and looked forward to every day and the people I got to spend my time with. It was a year where I created good memories, and smiled a lot.

Here’s to another year of life, as crazy as it always is. 

2015, I loved you. Thank you for being illuminating. 

2016 – BRING IT ON.

Let’s Talk: Me and My Issues

I like meeting new people.

When I meet them, I introduce myself as Jen: writer, panda obsessed,  jelly bean fanatic, only child, dedicated gym member, lover of love.

I never introduce myself as Jen: woman recovering from her eating disorder.

But that is a part of who I am.

Jen: the Anorexic/Bulimic

I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t self-conscious about how I looked.

I have constantly worried about how my body appears in (and out) of my favourite clothes. I have spent a lot of time, over so many years, criticizing every inch and curve of my skin in every mirror and window and other reflective surfaces that I pass by.

I have told myself that I’m not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not as beautiful as everyone tells me I am.

I have convinced myself that I need to be perfect*

Mirror 1
I stressed so hard about how I looked, I made myself very sick.

Jen: Shy, Silent, Scared.

There was a time in my life, just a few years ago, where my eating disorder ruled my life:

Wake up, binge, purge, cry myself to sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. 

It was an endless cycle I couldn’t find my way out of, and it turned me into a miserable and incredibly depressing human being.

I was keeping this huge secret of bad habits, and holding this guilty obsession about achieving perfection. It filled me with a toxic energy that horribly affected everything in my life.

I was scared of myself and my addiction, and potential judgement of everyone. I didn’t want anyone to know about all of it, so I hid my fear behind fake smiles and false positivity.

Therefore, no one seemed to fully understand why I was so unhappy.

My parents worried. My best friends were concerned. My boss knew there was something wrong.

Eventually, all that bad energy put a halt on my career. My sense of hopelessness contributed to a crushing breakup.

All of it completely changed my life.

Let’s talk about it.

I spent a lot of time struggling alone.

I was too scared to say anything. I was ashamed. I was so embarrassed. The thought of telling someone about what I was going through was extremely daunting.

In my head, I thought: “You did this to yourself. YOU have to fix it.”

THIS IS NOT TRUE.

I truly believed that this awful ordeal was my responsibility, but I also knew that I was incapable of turning it around by myself.

I had tried, and had always fallen back into the cycle: Binge, purge, cry, sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I decided that I could stay silent, and likely put myself into the express lane to my ultimate death. Or, I could try speaking up… and hope for the best.

^ that sentence makes it sound easy, but it was not. AT ALL.

I decided to tell an old friend. It was someone I didn’t talk to all the time, but trusted and held a special place in my heart for. I remember standing in his kitchen, looking into his eyes, and taking a deep breath… then pausing and debating not saying anything at all.

But, as much as I wanted to be skinny and beautiful and look just like a flawless magazine cover model…

I wanted to be happy. And healthy. And enjoy my life, rather than put an end to it.

It took 4 years, but I found the courage to tell one person. The next day, I used that courage to tell three of my best friends. A few days later, I still had enough courage left to tell my mother.

And to my surprise, none of them judged me or shamed me or told me how disappointed they were.

Being honest with those 5 people was the turning point, and the first step in my recovery. It was followed by a few more baby steps, where I started to be truthful with other people and soon realized I wasn’t the only one who struggled.

I found out that friends, old coworkers, acquaintances, and so many other people were fighting the same battle. There were so many people I crossed paths with at so many points in my life who struggled with anxiety, depression, and toxic addictions to food and their body – just like me.

I quickly learned that I wasn’t alone.

By connecting with them, they weren’t alone anymore.

None of us are alone.

I don’t make a point of publicizing my issues, all the time.

That doesn’t mean it’s not important to me to talk about them.

If I never chose to open up to even just one person about the downward spiral I was stuck in, I might not be here to write this blog post and share my story with you.

If you’re fighting yourself, inside your head > this is for you:

I know that it’s scary to open up about dark secrets and demons that haunt us from the inside. Being vulnerable and honest about your biggest fears is terrifying.

But trying to fight your battles alone, and inevitably killing your soul in the process, is a frightening thought.

No one should have to endure that. Life is too good and too short to suffer this way.

Those monsters in your head – you didn’t put them there. This is not your fault.
You are not responsible for battling this all by yourself.

Mirror 2
If I’ve learned anything in my journey to recovery thus far, it’s that exposing who I really am – good and bad – has improved my life immensely. It’s allowed me to connect with people (many who I now consider great friends) that understand and empathize with my struggle. These are people who inspire me, who I admire, who I can talk to when I’m feeling good, bad, happy, sad, or just absolutely frustrated with the tortured thoughts inside my head.

Talking about my troubles has always been one of the best decisions I have made.

Let’s keep talking

A few years ago, I made a choice to tell one person: I have a problem. I’m struggling with an eating disorder.

These days, when it really matters, I tell people: I am in the process of recovering from anorexia and bulimia.

It matters today.

You and me. We’re going to be better, stronger, and we’re going to be okay.

We just need to keep talking about it.

 

 

Free Falling

I jumped out of a plane this week.

landed - skydiving

I made this voluntary decision to put my life in the hands of a stranger at 9,500 feet in the sky. More than 100 times before it happened, I kept telling myself:

This is ridiculous.

I thought about just “chickening out”.

I debated giving into my fears, and bailing on the whole idea.

I knew this would mean I would have to face a bit of ridicule and possibly some regret, but those situations seemed tolerable – when compared to having to parachute out of this rickety tin-box with wings and a bunch of strangers.

What was I thinking?

I could feel “Hutch” (my tandem jumper) pulling at my straps and tightening our harnesses, while anxiously gazing out the plane window. Secretly, I was hoping that the clouds would move faster than our tiny plane, and we’d have to forego our risky adventure.

But the altitude was steadily climbing and we weren’t stopping. The overly enthusiastic camera man only continued to get more excited. I continued to contemplate my decisions while hoping the whole thing wouldn’t happen at all, until suddenly – everything was interrupted by this overwhelming blast of fresh air.

The time had come.

My heart was racing, while “Hutch” was signalling me to get my ass outside. Before I knew it, I was standing outside the plane, staring at patches of green and yellow beneath me.

“FUCK. What have I done? What if I die? Holy shit, I’m going to die. This is insanity. This guy better know what he’s doing. What if the parachute doesn’t work? What if we slip and fall and hit our head on the wing? What if I fuck this up somehow and hurt myself? What if the harnesses aren’t tight enough?What if I die? My mom will be devastated… my dad will be crushed. I can’t do this. I might puke. I think I’m going to puke. I’m definitely going to puke”

It’s amazing how many negative thoughts your brain can conjure up under pressure.

And yet, within seconds…

DCIM999GOPRO

 

I was flying!

Aside from a slightly uncomfortable harness and the unexpected rush of cold air and the dizzy/nauseous feeling I got when “Hutch” spun us around, it was pretty rad.

Also: I didn’t die. I didn’t get hurt. The parachute worked, “Hutch” knew exactly what he was doing. I didn’t puke. My mom thought I was crazy, but she thought it was very cool.

I survived. I walked away smiling.

All the horrible, awful thoughts I had, never actually happened.

I conquered my fears. 

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I know I’m not the only person who’s ever decided to go skydiving. (Heck, this wasn’t even my idea in the first place)

I know there are a lot of other absolutely intense experiences that many repeatedly endure.

The point of me telling you this story is this:

You are capable of doing incredible things.

Things that seem unreasonable, unbelievable, impossible.

That includes making bold decisions, living on the edge, stepping outside of your comfort zone for minutes of excitement, and dominating your most overwhelming fears.

Landing - Skydive

You can do it.

Challenge yourself to make every dream come true.

Encourage yourself to embark on all the crazy ideas you could ever imagine.

Overcome every moment of doubt that creeps into your brain.

Believe in yourself!

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” ~ Goethe.