Cuba, Page 3

Part IV

Every morning as I unlatched the heavy green gate that shielded my casa from Havana streets, the women were always sitting on the stoop next door. The older woman wore gowns that loosely clung to her shoulders while she leaned her chair against the cracking concrete wall of the building and observed commotion in the street, while her ‘daughters’ flocked around her in street chic outfits… waiting for men to flirt with.

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As I made my way out of Industria and towards Havana Vieja, I was forced to pass gangs of men waiting with hungry eyes that stared me down while walking past them. Some were young and handsome, others were older and usually without a shirt; most of them would hiss and forcefully invite me to dance or even just talk to them for a minute. I did my best to avoid eye contact while I kept my pace, continuing my way past many women with electric blue shadow, thick black eyeliner, bold lipstick shades, and an excellently executed “resting bitch face”. And no matter where my curiousity lead me, I was never alone on the street – there were tourists everywhere and languages from all over the world flying through the air, while malnourished cats and dogs weaved between our feet. The main roads and narrow side streets were bustling with people, while colourful cars from eras long passed filled the streets and shared the roads with taxis of every kind – mini tricycle pods, bicycle carriages, horse drawn carriages.

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There was hardly a day that I didn’t have to dodge the blind man manoeuvring his way through the crowds along Obispo. The homeless man with the toothless grin and the plump little lady with her injured leg never failed to show up in their spots along the makeshift corridor near Parque Central; same as the black woman with the big personality who sold little pyramids of Dulce de Leche and other quick snacks to patrons rushing towards their destination. Stairwells were lined with souvenirs, while young beautiful women shook their maraca’s to remind the tourists they were there. Well-dressed waiters and waitresses smiled from their post on the sidewalk, trying to attract new faces to the restaurant upstairs. And I’ll never forget the taxi drivers and their collection of colourful classic cars, parked right outside the Castillo de la Real Fuerza just in front of the Malecon.

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How could I ever forget that spot — it’s where I just so happened to cross paths with Franz*, the charming tour guide / taxi driver who had relocated from his childhood home in Santiago de Cuba (or was it Cienfuegos?) to give Havana living a go. Although I asked nicely, he refused to chauffeur me to some of Havana’s cliche “hot spots” so that he could take us places that were more exotic, interesting, and culturally appealing: the Havana Forest and Hamel Alley.

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Ask Franz, and he’ll tell you that fate brought us together – the first time we met, in front of the Castillo de la Real Fuerza and also the last time we just happened to bump into one another along Mercaderes – after I’d rescinded my decision to join him for lunch and an evening of salsa dancing at one of his favourite local joints. I left Franz in Cuba with a simple kiss on the cheek…

The heart wants what the heart wants – Franz’ wanted me, while my heart just wanted Havana.

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I’m not kidding when I tell you that people in Cuba love love (and all the various shades within it). And while passion fills the air, all the in between is filled with excitement, drama, and all sorts of noise. Look up – you’ll see friends, couples, families standing together on their balcony… watching life unfold on the streets below them as they get caught up in conversation. Look around you – there’s men in worn out tank tops and flip flops and sneakers that have seen much better days, having heated discussions in the shade of store awnings and dirty glass windows. Look around any corner – women gather with full faces of heavy makeup and colourfully manicured nails, wearing wedges and too high heels to stumble along crooked streets that are muddled with oil spills, bits of garbage and puddles of other spills.

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The city is full of character… from the buildings to the people who inhabit them. There’s not a single day that goes by that I’m not intrigued by someone in the streets or lost without a muse for the next journal entry.

You’re In My 2AM Thoughts

… I’m lying in bed, you’re next to me. We’re tangled in the duvet, and intertwined with each other.

The night falls outside the window, and we’re just laughing with one another, and I rest my head into it’s perfect little spot of you. Your hand holds mine, while you gently press your lips just below my hairline on my forehead. I could fall asleep in the warmth of your arms, and then wake up and kiss you good morning, and then quietly crawl out of bed to make you coffee and breakfast. While you eat, I’d slide back under the covers, and run my fingers along your skin… for the rest of the day, slowly falling for you a little bit more…

I’m awake now.

I’m alone, half covered by the sheets and the duvet in a lump beside me. My pillowcase smells of my shampoo, the scent of laundry soap is barely identifiable on the covers anymore; your scent is nowhere, and I can barely remember what it smells like. As I escape from my bed, goosebumps rise along my skin – and I instantly wish they had been caused by the touch of your fingers grazing my arms. This morning is cold and lonely, and I miss you incredibly – even though you’ve never been here before.

If you feel tired by the end of today (and many other days), it’s probably because you’ve have been running through my mind for hours. By the end of each day, I will likely have drafted numerous texts to you – simple “hello, how are you, whatcha’ doing, can I see you?” kinds of things – but I won’t send them. I might never send any them. I shouldn’t send them.

I’ve visited your page a few too many times, re-read old threads of text messages we exchanged, and gotten lost in daydreams of the very few moments I’ve shared with you. It’s all I have right now; it’s all I’ll ever have.

You’re a dream, day and night.
You’re my all day, every day.
You’re my nightmares and my sweetest dreams.

You are my 2am thoughts.

It’s lust – because I want you, need you, crave you more than I could ever imagine. It’s love – because it’s overwhelming, and there’s that spark we can’t put out. And yet, it’s nothing.Because there are rules, and rights and wrongs, and the timing is all off.

There are pieces missing, and it’s not perfect, and it’s not meant to be.
You’re not my ride or die, forever and always, I can’t live without you, absolute dream man – but I can’t let go of you, not yet.

And here I am, awake, while you’re doing your own thing – and maybe… you’re thinking of me too.
All I can do is wonder.
And hope.
And wait for another life time when this might just work out.
And lie here, staring at the ceiling, imaging what you might be doing right now, tomorrow, every day after that.I will just lie here, curled up with this empty bed around me…

You’re only in my mind.

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the Jacket.

I drove past a man today, wearing a recognizably familiar coat. It was nothing extravagant, but it caught my eye and suddenly had me daydreaming of days that once were.

Instantly, I was 20 years old again and in the middle of a relationship with my very first true love. Steve* had the very same dull, burnt desert orange, worker’s jacket. He wore it on frequent occasion or had it resting on the bottom post of his bed frame, just waiting to be quickly picked up and thrown around his shoulders.
It was heavy and it was warm; I had worn it a few times myself when I extra chilly, whilst watching him smoke outside. It ruffled with rough, scratchy sounds whenever I wrapped my arms around him while he wore it, making him seem much bulkier than his usual slim body frame.
As often as Steve wore that jacket, he rarely zipped it up and you could usually see a skate/snowboarding company logo on a dark t-shirt beneath it. Reminded of that very fact, I vividly flashed back to the many times I would reach my hands past the zippers of the jacket and rustle those tees, running my hands along his soft, ivory skin…

That simple thought in itself sent a hint of shivers down my spine. So tame, but I remember being so attracted to him and during the good times, we really enjoyed eachother’s company. He was one of the people I truly felt myself around and never felt self-conscious of myself with – until things got unstable, messy and completely unsalvageable (leading to our bitter end).

A jacket… I saw an older man wearing a jacket, just walking down the street – he looked like he was on his way home from a long, dirty day at work – and all I could think of was a boy I used to know, with soft white skin and some of the best and softest kisses I’ve ever had.

 

Weird how that happens, hmm?

 

 

 

 

 

*name has obviously been changed for privacy and less drama kind of stuff.