Vancouver > Castlegar > Edmonton > Vancouver > Kelowna > Vancouver > Calgary > Edmonton. You’d think I’d have this whole ‘moving to another city’ thing figured out by now.
Show up. Set up. Go and make friends, find your place in social circles. Sounds simple and sort of easy enough, doesn’t it? Especially after I’ve gone through the puzzling process numerous times.
Except – it never is. This time around, it’s definitely not.
As I drove home on a recent Friday night, I was slightly conflicted between the extreme desire (and necessity) to be a couch potato for the weekend… and the loneliness that lingers with a lack of friends in the city.
***Shit. If you’re reading this and you’re one of the few people I know in Edmonton – I’m doing my best not to offend you. I swear. It’s not you – it’s me. [I’m an only child. It’s always about me, duh!]
Real talk: I’m at a point in my life where I need / want my go-to comrades and soulmates – the people I can spill my guts to without fear of judgement, while sitting in sweatpants with way too much dry shampoo in my hair because I haven’t washed it in approximately 4 days. And yes, I know you’re going to tell me that you don’t care and that none of that vanity stuff matters, and that I’m more than welcome to show up looking somewhat homeless. I know, I know. But it’s not the same. We haven’t reached that level in our friendship yet.
I’m nothing but completely honest on these blog posts, so I’ll admit:
I really just don’t feel like making new friends right now.
There – I said it.
I feel like I’ve been stuck in a tornado for 3 months; an EF4 tornado that causes epic destruction and devastation. My father got sick and passed away within a month, and within a week of his passing, I had travelled between 3 cities – moving, packing, unpacking, relocating and then starting a new job.
“Overwhelmed” only begins to scratch the surface of how I feel. Underneath that lies emotions like sadness, confusion, doubt, and tiredness [is tired an emotion?]
Either way, I’m currently experiencing tired. ALL THE TIRED.
A good night’s sleep is a unicorn in my life. A sweet dream, if you will, that only comes at the aid of ZzZQuil, a combination of B100’s + Cal-Mag tablets, or other sleeping pills I’ve been prescribed. When my brain ditched the ability to sleep through the night, it also ditched it’s desire to remember anything and now I rely heavily on calendars, post it notes, a whiteboard, and written reminders on my hand to keep me accountable to every errand, appointment, and event I shouldn’t miss.
In the process of the last 3 months, I’ve lost: an iPhone charger, a camera lens cap, two hoodies, a set of wine glasses, a bra, a pair of gym shorts, a laptop case, a pair of headphones… there’s definitely a few more things I can’t seem to remember at the moment. I feel like I’ve lost my sanity, and my ability to be a functioning human being at minimal effort.
I’ve mastered the art of faking it until I make it. Waterproof mascara helps immensely and so does a hot summer with endless sunshine. Also, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been riding the high that comes with assorted compliments from the best kinds of friends and even random strangers to keep me smiling through even the gloomiest days.
The tornado that swallowed my life up a few months ago changed everything and shook me up mentally, emotionally and physically. Because of it, a lot of my life these days feels somewhat like a chore and it’s weird. I’ve spent more times crying in bathrooms and behind sunglasses in 90 days than I have in my entire life – and I don’t like it. But it is what it is…
There’s something about death that’s both terrifying and beautiful. It’s a harsh reminder that eventually life is going to come to an end – quite possibly, when you least expect it. It’s a warning that people we love will disappear from our life one day, and all we’ll have left is memories of their best contributions to our existence. And it’s one of life’s smaller but significant gestures to us that everything we do matters – to those we love and to our legacy.
I recently decided that my final story is going to be something I’m immensely proud of, even if I won’t be around to hear about it; not that I wasn’t already in the process of writing a great story – but now, I’m putting more thought into the sentences I write and the pages I fill. Except, it’s hard to focus when you’ve lost more sleep than you can fathom and you’re always worrying about whether or not you possibly left your straightener plugged in and turned on (again), while also wondering if you left the kitchen sink running (this happened while I was on my way to the airport) and stressing about all sorts of things you can’t tend to because you’re stuck at the office, in traffic, or out and in the middle of something for a few more hours.
I’m just trying to be real with myself, mostly. We live in a world that can easily convince us to be “on” all the time – that the hustle should be constant, that every expectation should always be met, and that there’s always something higher, shinier, brighter and better to keep on reaching for. And while there isn’t anything wrong with hustling and setting new goals for yourself, you’re allowed to take a breather when life becomes more than you can handle. You’re allowed to turn your tolerance down a few notches and take time to simply do YOU.
In light of everything that’s taken place over the last few weeks and with the intense life and self-reflection that’s transpired in the aftermath, something inside my soul has shifted. It’s both interesting and confusing, but it’s forced me to accept that all I can do is what’s best for me in any given moment. And so, I’m going to try and keep my worries to a minimum about why the puzzle pieces haven’t matched together yet and why certain aspects of my life aren’t magically falling into place. I might just not be ready (fact: I’m definitely not ready). I’m still trying to wrap my head around the concept of devastating grief; how to balance an abundance of it with this burning desire to unfold the next chapter of my life. I’m also mindfully practicing getting through days with less crying and more genuine smiles, while also attempting to catch up on sleep, give my entire existence some well-deserved rest and avoid a constant empty battery and complete meltdowns.
And I’m chasing after life experiences that I truly enjoy, rather than committing myself to anything else that I feel is ‘expected’ of me.
Life is short, but it’s also not an experience we should rush through or simply participate in for the sake of other people’s fulfillment. So, if I can offer a piece of advice should you feel the same way I do at any point, it’s that you never have to force yourself to do anything you’re not ready to do. Life isn’t about pleasing the masses – so don’t feel like you have to exert extra effort if there’s an aspect of life that just doesn’t jive with you. No one likes that person that tries too hard anyway, y’know?
I’ve shown up and I’ve started to settle. I’ve been as strong as I can when it was necessary to get through the moment, but I’m going to just be for a little while now. The rest of my life and the other steps in the process… will happen eventually. And maybe one day, I’ll find my new Edmonton friends or they’ll find me. Maybe one day, the puzzle will start to look a little more like a picture and less of an abstract mess.
Who knows.
All I know is this: we can’t force the pieces of our life to come together. The best puzzles {and life IS a puzzle} are an elaborate process that require patience and time.