Free Falling

I jumped out of a plane this week.

landed - skydiving

I made this voluntary decision to put my life in the hands of a stranger at 9,500 feet in the sky. More than 100 times before it happened, I kept telling myself:

This is ridiculous.

I thought about just “chickening out”.

I debated giving into my fears, and bailing on the whole idea.

I knew this would mean I would have to face a bit of ridicule and possibly some regret, but those situations seemed tolerable – when compared to having to parachute out of this rickety tin-box with wings and a bunch of strangers.

What was I thinking?

I could feel “Hutch” (my tandem jumper) pulling at my straps and tightening our harnesses, while anxiously gazing out the plane window. Secretly, I was hoping that the clouds would move faster than our tiny plane, and we’d have to forego our risky adventure.

But the altitude was steadily climbing and we weren’t stopping. The overly enthusiastic camera man only continued to get more excited. I continued to contemplate my decisions while hoping the whole thing wouldn’t happen at all, until suddenly – everything was interrupted by this overwhelming blast of fresh air.

The time had come.

My heart was racing, while “Hutch” was signalling me to get my ass outside. Before I knew it, I was standing outside the plane, staring at patches of green and yellow beneath me.

“FUCK. What have I done? What if I die? Holy shit, I’m going to die. This is insanity. This guy better know what he’s doing. What if the parachute doesn’t work? What if we slip and fall and hit our head on the wing? What if I fuck this up somehow and hurt myself? What if the harnesses aren’t tight enough?What if I die? My mom will be devastated… my dad will be crushed. I can’t do this. I might puke. I think I’m going to puke. I’m definitely going to puke”

It’s amazing how many negative thoughts your brain can conjure up under pressure.

And yet, within seconds…

DCIM999GOPRO

 

I was flying!

Aside from a slightly uncomfortable harness and the unexpected rush of cold air and the dizzy/nauseous feeling I got when “Hutch” spun us around, it was pretty rad.

Also: I didn’t die. I didn’t get hurt. The parachute worked, “Hutch” knew exactly what he was doing. I didn’t puke. My mom thought I was crazy, but she thought it was very cool.

I survived. I walked away smiling.

All the horrible, awful thoughts I had, never actually happened.

I conquered my fears. 

flying- skydiving 1

I know I’m not the only person who’s ever decided to go skydiving. (Heck, this wasn’t even my idea in the first place)

I know there are a lot of other absolutely intense experiences that many repeatedly endure.

The point of me telling you this story is this:

You are capable of doing incredible things.

Things that seem unreasonable, unbelievable, impossible.

That includes making bold decisions, living on the edge, stepping outside of your comfort zone for minutes of excitement, and dominating your most overwhelming fears.

Landing - Skydive

You can do it.

Challenge yourself to make every dream come true.

Encourage yourself to embark on all the crazy ideas you could ever imagine.

Overcome every moment of doubt that creeps into your brain.

Believe in yourself!

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” ~ Goethe.

“Anna Kendrick”

She looked just like Anna Kendrick.

If I wasn’t sitting on a wobbly bar stool, stationed at some dive bar in the heart of some barely-heard-of small town, I would have thought it was actually her. Anna Kendrick, I mean.

I didn’t think much of her when I found my seat at the bar top, shifting the seat back and forth before sandwiching myself close enough to the edge of the bar that the seat stayed almost still. She was across the bar and facing the other wall, barely swaying her hips back and forth to the rock and roll music blaring from the speakers while she organized the rows of bottles to make sure that every label was facing the front.

… As if us bar patrons had no idea what each bottle held, just by the shape of the bottle and the tainted liquid inside it. We all knew what we wanted: our usual.

There was a handful of pretty young women working that afternoon, all of them had their tied up, slicked back, or carefully curled and held together with hairspray that sparkled. “Anna”, still facing the other way, had hair that was the colour of rich coffee with strands of caramel sifted throughout it. It fell nicely onto her shoulders, and barely covered the nape of her neck. A few brunette locks covered a small tattoo which was tucked beneath the scattered hem of her shirt. The dark hues of espresso and light caramel glimmered in the sun shining through a nearby window.

When Anna finally turned towards me though, I completely forgot about her hair.

She simply sked me if she could start me off with a drink, and I fumbled. No matter what bar top I’m seated at, my drink is always the same: vodka soda, two lime wedges and a lemon. But the minute Anna looked at me, I froze.

I was instantly lost in her eyes.

They were a crisp, sapphire colour. Pools of sparkling blue, fanned by full and sweeping eyelashes and a perfect dusting of black and brown shadows around them. They glistened, sparkling when she smiled.

“Can I get you a drink, new friend?”

I squeaked out my order, still absorbed by her beautiful eyes. She repeated it back to me, giving me a wink, while her tongue playfully slip between her teeth, before she moved onto a couple a few seats down. Her cheeks were a little rounder than the real Anna Kendrick, but delightful none-the-less. A dainty nose, cat-like eyes, and seemingly flawless and soft skin – everything was captivating and barely touched with makeup, except her lips that shimmered underneath a glaze of faint pink. When she walked away, I was left with a lingering scent of her perfume – something floral, but touched with musk to pair with her edgy style.

I studied her, as she danced around the bar making a drink for me and a few others. Believe me when I admit I wasn’t trying to be creepy. Really, it was impossible not to be completely intrigued by her; I couldn’t have been the only one.

She was wearing faded black jeans with holes in the knees, and they lightly wrapped around her long lean legs; tight, but not skin tight. The bottoms sat in rumpled cuffs above her worn out, bright green high tops. A small chain fell from her right front pocket to the back, which I later noticed was just a stylish way to keep her computer key from getting lost.

She wore a cropped black t-shirt that displayed a gold Wu-Tang “W” on the front. It sat crooked on her shoulders, allowing a sneak peak of her collarbone and mid drift. As she moved, the shirt shifted to expose a hint of a baby blue bra strap. Another tattoo peered out from underneath the hemline of her crop top – something elaborate and colourful.

And when Anna slid my vodka soda, completed with two limes wedges and one lemon wedge – as per my request – she winked again, pointing both her fingers in a friendly gun motion simultaneously. Her nails were covered in multi-coloured and chipped nail polish, one of her thumbs wrapped with a thick silver band. Another tattoo sat on inside of her right wrist; I think they were initials.

Anna danced around the bar afternoon, and I quietly watched her while I sipped my way through a few more vodka drinks and pretended to watch a baseball game on a screen above me. I felt like I was there for hours – I had nowhere special to be – and Anna’s groove never seemed to die down. Her hips continued to sway ever so slightly, whether she was standing still or moving along the bar to see if any of us needed another drink or basket of fries.

I’m willing to bet it’s that laid-back sexy style and sassy attitude that keeps those bar stools in an almost-unheard of small-town pub occupied. And, those brilliant, sharp blue eyes – that I hope I never forget.

But really, could I ever forget having the small-town twin of Anna Kendrick make me the drink – just the way I like it?

Never.

Letting Go

I found myself in a pile of old emails tonight.

It all started with a forgotten password and a lost email to create a new password, and all of the sudden I was sifting through thousands of emails that had been sitting and collecting dust for the past 4+ years.

And there, amidst irrelevant email subscriptions and insignificant chatter, were piles words from “the One Who Got Away”.

I read them. I cried. I wallowed in my own self-pity.

I wondered why the fuck those emails were still in there.

Sure, there were about 19,567 other emails that didn’t need to be in there either, but those emails should have disappeared when he did.

I knew they should be gone. I wanted them gone.

Yet even now, so many years later, my little arrow hovered over the delete button.

I didn’t want to let go.

And so with a sad heart and the broken memories of my past, I went to bed.

And then I had nightmares about the emails.

I relived all the unhappiness they brought me while I slept, and woke up unhappy.

So before I could even make my breakfast, I had to delete the emails.

I hovered over that delete button again, but this time I followed through.

I needed to let go.

Because…

I don’t want to be reminded of toxic people who hurt me.

I don’t need to be reminded of memories that now only have the power to break my heart.

I definitely never need to stress or have nightmares about anything that makes me unhappy.

I have no time for unhappiness in my life.
I only have time for people who love me and experiences that make me smile.

If never let go of all the bad, there will never be enough room for the excessive amount of goodness I wish for my life to be.

So, I’m slowly learning to let go of any little thing that causes negativity in my life.

One email, one person, one bad memory at a time.