“Anna Kendrick”

She looked just like Anna Kendrick.

If I wasn’t sitting on a wobbly bar stool, stationed at some dive bar in the heart of some barely-heard-of small town, I would have thought it was actually her. Anna Kendrick, I mean.

I didn’t think much of her when I found my seat at the bar top, shifting the seat back and forth before sandwiching myself close enough to the edge of the bar that the seat stayed almost still. She was across the bar and facing the other wall, barely swaying her hips back and forth to the rock and roll music blaring from the speakers while she organized the rows of bottles to make sure that every label was facing the front.

… As if us bar patrons had no idea what each bottle held, just by the shape of the bottle and the tainted liquid inside it. We all knew what we wanted: our usual.

There was a handful of pretty young women working that afternoon, all of them had their tied up, slicked back, or carefully curled and held together with hairspray that sparkled. “Anna”, still facing the other way, had hair that was the colour of rich coffee with strands of caramel sifted throughout it. It fell nicely onto her shoulders, and barely covered the nape of her neck. A few brunette locks covered a small tattoo which was tucked beneath the scattered hem of her shirt. The dark hues of espresso and light caramel glimmered in the sun shining through a nearby window.

When Anna finally turned towards me though, I completely forgot about her hair.

She simply sked me if she could start me off with a drink, and I fumbled. No matter what bar top I’m seated at, my drink is always the same: vodka soda, two lime wedges and a lemon. But the minute Anna looked at me, I froze.

I was instantly lost in her eyes.

They were a crisp, sapphire colour. Pools of sparkling blue, fanned by full and sweeping eyelashes and a perfect dusting of black and brown shadows around them. They glistened, sparkling when she smiled.

“Can I get you a drink, new friend?”

I squeaked out my order, still absorbed by her beautiful eyes. She repeated it back to me, giving me a wink, while her tongue playfully slip between her teeth, before she moved onto a couple a few seats down. Her cheeks were a little rounder than the real Anna Kendrick, but delightful none-the-less. A dainty nose, cat-like eyes, and seemingly flawless and soft skin – everything was captivating and barely touched with makeup, except her lips that shimmered underneath a glaze of faint pink. When she walked away, I was left with a lingering scent of her perfume – something floral, but touched with musk to pair with her edgy style.

I studied her, as she danced around the bar making a drink for me and a few others. Believe me when I admit I wasn’t trying to be creepy. Really, it was impossible not to be completely intrigued by her; I couldn’t have been the only one.

She was wearing faded black jeans with holes in the knees, and they lightly wrapped around her long lean legs; tight, but not skin tight. The bottoms sat in rumpled cuffs above her worn out, bright green high tops. A small chain fell from her right front pocket to the back, which I later noticed was just a stylish way to keep her computer key from getting lost.

She wore a cropped black t-shirt that displayed a gold Wu-Tang “W” on the front. It sat crooked on her shoulders, allowing a sneak peak of her collarbone and mid drift. As she moved, the shirt shifted to expose a hint of a baby blue bra strap. Another tattoo peered out from underneath the hemline of her crop top – something elaborate and colourful.

And when Anna slid my vodka soda, completed with two limes wedges and one lemon wedge – as per my request – she winked again, pointing both her fingers in a friendly gun motion simultaneously. Her nails were covered in multi-coloured and chipped nail polish, one of her thumbs wrapped with a thick silver band. Another tattoo sat on inside of her right wrist; I think they were initials.

Anna danced around the bar afternoon, and I quietly watched her while I sipped my way through a few more vodka drinks and pretended to watch a baseball game on a screen above me. I felt like I was there for hours – I had nowhere special to be – and Anna’s groove never seemed to die down. Her hips continued to sway ever so slightly, whether she was standing still or moving along the bar to see if any of us needed another drink or basket of fries.

I’m willing to bet it’s that laid-back sexy style and sassy attitude that keeps those bar stools in an almost-unheard of small-town pub occupied. And, those brilliant, sharp blue eyes – that I hope I never forget.

But really, could I ever forget having the small-town twin of Anna Kendrick make me the drink – just the way I like it?

Never.

Letting Go

I found myself in a pile of old emails tonight.

It all started with a forgotten password and a lost email to create a new password, and all of the sudden I was sifting through thousands of emails that had been sitting and collecting dust for the past 4+ years.

And there, amidst irrelevant email subscriptions and insignificant chatter, were piles words from “the One Who Got Away”.

I read them. I cried. I wallowed in my own self-pity.

I wondered why the fuck those emails were still in there.

Sure, there were about 19,567 other emails that didn’t need to be in there either, but those emails should have disappeared when he did.

I knew they should be gone. I wanted them gone.

Yet even now, so many years later, my little arrow hovered over the delete button.

I didn’t want to let go.

And so with a sad heart and the broken memories of my past, I went to bed.

And then I had nightmares about the emails.

I relived all the unhappiness they brought me while I slept, and woke up unhappy.

So before I could even make my breakfast, I had to delete the emails.

I hovered over that delete button again, but this time I followed through.

I needed to let go.

Because…

I don’t want to be reminded of toxic people who hurt me.

I don’t need to be reminded of memories that now only have the power to break my heart.

I definitely never need to stress or have nightmares about anything that makes me unhappy.

I have no time for unhappiness in my life.
I only have time for people who love me and experiences that make me smile.

If never let go of all the bad, there will never be enough room for the excessive amount of goodness I wish for my life to be.

So, I’m slowly learning to let go of any little thing that causes negativity in my life.

One email, one person, one bad memory at a time.

Baby, No.

Babies are adorable.

I like their tiny fingers and their squishy, delicate skin. I like the way the way the scent of baby powder lingers on their skin and makes them irresistible.

I love the way they instinctively burst into excited smiles for the simplest, in-explainable things.

I think babies are wonderful.

But, I don’t want a baby.

MY CLOCK ISN’T TICKING

Could it be that someone forgot to set my inner baby alarm clock. Maybe I don’t even have one?

I wonder if someone broke it, when they also broke my heart?

Or maybe it’s somewhere, lost inside me, overwhelmed by desires to for other things – like travelling, exploring, adventuring, and living my own life. 

Go ahead and call me selfish for that last comment. I don’t care.

I still don’t want a baby.

MY LIFE DOES NOT REQUIRE A BABY TO BE COMPLETE

Hello, I’m Jen. 

I wake up around 5am every day, just so I can get a serious sweat on. My sweaty workouts just don’t feel as good during other day parts, and my days just don’t feel the same without my morning sweat session.

Sometimes, I collect the coolest people I know and hike a mountain in the middle of the night so we can watch the sun rise. It sounds crazy, but it’s worth it – every.single.time.

Occasionally, I take spontaneous road trips. I set off on adventures with no set destination or return. On more than one occasion, I’ve spent entire days in the great outdoors, without a care in the world and no cell phone reception – this is the definition of pure bliss.

I enjoy travelling to exciting places for weeks at a time. I enjoy spending my money on myself. I enjoy pampering myself and treating myself to nice things.

Believe me when I say that I’m happy for you and your bundle of joy. My “Congratulations” are sincere about your growing family, and this new adventure that you are embarking on. I really am happy that you’re happy.

BUT…

I like my life how it is now. I have freedom, independence, and endless opportunities to be myself.
And, I just don’t feel the need to include a mini-me into it.

Sorry… I’m not sorry.

I don’t want a baby.

NO “REGIS”, THAT IS NOT MY FINAL ANSWER

Did I say that I never, ever, wanted a child? No.

I just don’t plan on purposely having one anytime soon.

Related: I don’t want to ever be one of those people who tries to have a baby – to the point of making it a chore. If I one day just happen to get pregnant, then I promise you – I will love the shit out of that beautiful miracle.

But I don’t need to make ‘my baby’ happen. Having my own baby isn’t something that has to happen.

If I go through my whole life without being a mother, I don’t know that I’ll feel inadequate. I mean, I can’t predict the future, but I know right now that I’m doing just fine without one.

My life goals don’t revolve solely around getting married and having babies. I’m not ready to be defined solely as being someone else’s mother.I believe that there’s a lot more that I can be. Also, it’s the year 2015, and I know that there’s so much more to live for.

WHO KNOWS

Maybe I will get married and have a baby. Or I’ll have a baby and then get married. Or maybe I won’t.

When and if my baby alarm clock sounds off, I’ll adjust my life accordingly.

Until then, there’s a whole lot of sweet dreams to live out.

And none of them include a baby.