The end of 2012 cannot come fast enough.
Although this year was one of amazing, phenomenal, and epic wondrous moments for many (as seen through many social media forums and heard through word-of-mouth, and so forth), it was somewhat frustrating and challenging in this little world of mine.
This was the year, that everything changed and reality hit. I learned how uneasy life can be, and that the ways we wish or want things to unfold, isn’t always a possibility regardless of any efforts we exude. More than once, I was reassured of the fact that when we make mistakes or simple bad decisions, we must eventually endure unpleasant or unfortunate consequences.
At one point this year, I felt the unbearable feeling of having my heart shatter to a million pieces. All too often, I cried until my eyes stung, I felt ill to my stomach for so many reasons, and there were many times when I felt like the world around me was collapsing while I was helpless to save it. My heart and soul were put through the wringer on repeat, and I always felt like I was on an emotional, physical, and life challenging roller coaster. Miserable, uncomfortable, unsatisfied with everything – I hit somewhere pretty close to rock bottom at one point. 2012 was definitely not my best year to date, and I can’t wait to end it and forget most of it.
In all it’s ugly glory, the good news is that 2012 wasn’t a complete write off. There were a few lessons I managed to learn from every hardship I was put through, and a few things I can take with me into a better future.
I learned that incorporating small, good deeds into your lifestyle makes you feel better about yourself and the life you live. I discovered the power of social media, and managed to land myself two freelance writing positions, just by putting myself out there in the Twitter-world. My eyes were re-opened to how lucky I am to live where I do. I have a new-found pride of being a calling British Columbia my home province and being a born and raised Vancouver girl. Best of all, I was reassured that my life is full of amazing people that worry about me, care about me, love me, miss me, and believe in me. (not that I forgot this, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to be gently reminded)
The most valuable lesson I learned this year, was that you don’t always have to be ‘strong’. For the longest time, I dealt with being unhappy and pushed through the hard times, because I didn’t know how to ask for help; I didn’t realize how badly I needed help and that it was okay to ask for help. I wasn’t aware of how necessary it was to let people in and make things better.
This past May, I faced one of my biggest fears. I caved and admitted to not being ‘okay’. It lead to me quitting my job, and packing up my apartment so my parents could move me back into their home. It wasn’t easy to put myself in that spot of vulnerability; I felt selfish, helpless and I felt like I had failed and that I had let everyone, including myself, down.
Luckily, I didn’t (at least, that’s what they continue to assure me of). In the midst of all the upset, things somehow worked out the way they were supposed to. Although I don’t always believe it when they say “things happen for a reason”, things continue to get better and as of today, it seems as though everything worked out the way it was supposed to. Life, as I always say, will never be ‘perfect’, but I’m hoping that a new year and an absolute fresh start brings small amounts of magic and even just some extra good fortune.
I look back at so many moments of this painful year, and breathe a sigh of relief that it’s almost over. Reminded of how difficult, upsetting, and almost unbearable so many days and nights were, I know that the only thing that got me through, were the incredible human beings I keep close.
The inspiring group of people who encouraged me to be a better person, who helped me find my calling, who pushed to keep going when I didn’t think I could make it. The most generous, caring, loving, and adoring people who went out of their way to make me feel myself, when I was a fish completely out of water; the people who opened their arms and welcomed me into their lives without judgment.
The amazing, good-hearted, loving people who held my hand, listened to me cry, and stuck by me when I was at my worst. Despite being twice my age or having strong ties to someone I loathe, regardless of the fact that some will always cheer for the Edmonton Oilers and forever try to put me in orange and blue; even though some live too far away, are very busy, and although I don’t get to see many of these people as often as I’ve always wanted – they’re always there, without question or request.
Every single person who went out of their way to make me smile, laugh, and just be happy; to each incredible human being who believed in me, mentored me, and made life easier to grasp; all these people and a few more, kept me fighting through the year. To you, I can’t express enough good words. But you know who you are… and I adore you. I’m hoping you stay close by in some way, some how, and share your friendship with me as we take on a better, greater, new year.
December 21st didn’t bring the end of the world, but midnight on December 31st will bring an end to this agonizing year – and I can’t wait.
If I make one promise to myself, it’s that 2013 will be my year of awesome. I won’t be afraid to listen to my heart, follow my gut instincts, and do what makes me happy. A new year, an even better me.
2013, I’m ready.
