On my fridge, there’s a Post-It note:
“Life’s too short to settle for Sriracha Steve.”
It’s a reminder to not settle for anything other than the best – which includes a dude who knows how to kiss.
No one likes a bad kisser.
I was set up with Sriracha Steve by mutual friends who told me he was a good guy with solid potential to be a good match for me. He was smart, educated, and had an established career. My friends showed me pictures before I met Steve in person and he seemed noticeably easy on the eyes and in good shape. I found out that we had personal similarities and shared interests in fitness, outdoor adventures and travelling. I was definitely curious to find out if we could fall madly in love and be together forever… or at least find lust.
We spent a Saturday evening with mutual friends, laughing through several rounds of Cards of Humanity while indulging in wine and good food. Shortly before midnight, just after playing a good ol’ game of Truth or Dare, Steve and I found ourselves alone together, sharing the same loveseat – obviously the perfect time for him to pounce and suck my face off.
The thought of kissing Steve had crossed my mind once or twice, but I was taking my time to feel out the situation still (and at the very least, required a little more wine as liquid courage first). When SR leaped from his side of the loveseat and tackled me with his lips – I wasn’t ready.
I was not ready for those lips and that kiss.
The kiss was aggressive and discontinuous, and his saliva trickled down my cheek. To make matters worse, Steve was breathing hot air into my mouth like a fervent dragon. While playing Truth or Dare, he had been challenged to eat a tablespoon of Sriracha sauce; his sloppy kisses were leaving an unpleasantly stale taste of hot sauce on my tongue.
Honestly, I hadn’t yet been completely sold on SS, but I had been open to giving him the rest of that evening and perhaps another date to make a solid impression – until that kiss. The Sriracha sauce turned a simply bad kiss into a gross and very awful kiss. I couldn’t leave that house fast enough; even though he insisted that I stay longer and possibly even spend the night. I drove home feeling violated and disgusting.
I was left wondering: How are people so bad at this simple skill?
My first real kiss (full on make-out: tongue and saliva exchanged) happened in grade 8, on the sidewalk near my house, with my first high school boyfriend. We both had braces and before we shared that special moment together, I was overwhelmed with fear that the horror stories of interlocking wires would come true.
Our braces didn’t get in the way and we managed to keep the spit off our faces. The kiss was enjoyable enough that we kissed every day for weeks until we found new high school crushes to practice kissing with.
Were we both just naturally born, talented make-out artists?
I will not deny that 12-year-old-Me used to have a poster of Nick Carter taped to the wall next to my bed. I would give it a quick, simple kiss before I tucked myself under the covers for the night (I’m not the only girl that did this, right?!). But, I will honestly admit that I’ve never gone so far as to practice open mouth kissing with my hand, pillow, mirror, stuffed animals, life-size dolls, etc.
In recent conversation with a friend about the art of kissing and how so many men I’ve met have yet to master it, he offered up this advice: “Press lips softly together, enjoy how that feels, repeat.”
I couldn’t agree more; kissing is as easy as those steps. In those moments where sparks start flying, go ahead and turn the intensity up, with wandering hands.
But there’s no need for bashing your teeth against mine (this smile cost $10,000 and 7 years of braces, brackets, and retainers) or violent wrestling with our tongues. Keep your saliva to yourself, and settle down on the lip biting. There’s also no need to draw blood; delicate nibbles are playful and enough of a tease to keep me wanting more…
One good kiss is enough to keep coming me back for more, and then some.
If all you have to offer is sloppy lips and sloppy seconds of Sriracha?
*photo credit: HD Wallpapers